Wargamers vs Couch Potatoes

- An exclusive obtained by the Political Correspondent for Dispatches and printed in the August 2002 edition of Dispatches.

Following this week’s release of the Government report on Sport in New Zealand and the fear that we are becoming an inactive nation, the Federation of New Zealand Miniature Wargamers today issued new policy guidelines to be followed by all member clubs.

“For too long wargaming has been seen as a physically inactive pastime. We are looking at changing all that in line with the review in the hopes of getting some funding,” Said spokesman Amin Visible “We are introducing new measures that will bring exercise back to the tables of our hobby”. The measures to be introduced immediately are:

• Larger and heavier dice which the players will be forced to hurl across the room.

• All games to take place on larger tables to promote stretching

• No chairs to be used, and players must circle the table at least once a minute

• Heavier models to be used in all scales. Plastic to be phased out in favour of lead, Iridium, Tungsten and depleted Uranium to increase the aerobic workout during movement phases

• All meetings to be held on at least the 4th floor of buildings without lift access.

• Players are only to consume light salads and bottled water during meetings.

Mr Visible expects all of these measures will be introduced immediately by all member clubs.

However Mr Hugh Jars, spokesman for the Federation for the Administration of Tabletop Strategic Operations (FATSO) dismissed the new guidelines out of hand. “We feel it is our right to move as little

as possible during the gaming part of our hobby as it detracts the opponent and is rather unfair. Reports that people have died while wargaming and have not been noticed for several hours are completely untrue”

Mr Jars also commented on the proposed diet at club meetings “Everyone knows that wargaming is a mental exercise and the brain needs food to be razor sharp. The standard diet of Coke, chips and meat pies has been developed over many years of tests as the optimal for increased brain function. Salads sound like the sort of food you would expect the undernourished to eat, and you’ll never see an undernourished wargamer. Most have built up sizeable fuel reserves to be used in times of emergency. Wargamers everywhere can be assured that we will not be taking any of this lying down, umm well maybe if there is a bed handy”

Mr Jars also questioned our source for the press release by the FNZMW, as “The only way we’ve been in contact with recently has been by séance!” NZPDA.