Wargamers - An Observers Guide

- More exclusive inside information from Dispatches’s Political Correspondent

Rumours that the national body committee are holed up in a hut in the Tararua’s with plenty of guns, food and booze waiting for the collapse of civilisation so that they can take over whatever is left are without grounds according to federation spokesman Armin Visible. “We are just taking what we feel are prudent steps to ensure the continuation of National body as a viable entity no matter what the future might bring”.

Here I present what I feel is an important and useful guide to the novice wargamer who is trying to work out just which games are being played at a particular meeting, so as to not make that social faux paux by asking questions about the wrong game.

• Modern: They are the ones setting up in the corner with all the small scenery. Questions have been asked as to why there is any placed in the middle of the table, as it seldom seems to be used.
   
• Warhammer: Several different types. Look for anyone under the age of 18 or wearing black with sunglasses’ which may well be calibrated to measure distances of up to 50 feet to the nearest inch. Also the Columbian type with a black plastic suitcase (which may or may not be filled with figures. You could hide anything in there). Figures carry enormous weapons but with no obvious sign of a power source or ammunition.
   
• 15mm DBM: Look for the older more rotund or solidly built gentlemen pushing brightly coloured troops around a table covered with scruffy bits of felt. Also will be having conversations holding a rule book and say words like IF, AND and OR loudly during rules quotes, while a third gentleman looks on and says “No, you can’t do that”.
   
• 25mm DBM: As above only prettier and slower. Some games seem to have an excess of advertising (though I doubt if Caesar did indeed drink Steinlager. I’m sure he would have had more taste)World War II: Happy people re-living their first wargaming experiences as children, complete with the sound effects and cotton wool when someone blows up a tank. Would probably throw dice at each other’s models if we let them.
   
• Modern: Finished setting up, now writing orders.
   
• Naval: Look for the largest table covered with a blue cloth, with tiny specks on it. We are told these are ships, but could well be anything at that size. Rumours that previous games have been carried off by marauding ants are not true.
   
• Napoleonics: Lots of pretty flags and bright uniforms, but with more guns than DBM. Tend to have nicer scenery too. Players tend to have moustaches or at least look a dashing sort (OK I’m being generous. From last meeting t-shirts and jandals seem to be ‘It’. Napoleon would be crying in his morning latte. Clothes no longer seem to maketh the man.)
   
• WW I air combat: What looks like a group of guys sitting round playing cards. No real discerning characteristics, but tend to make plane noises as they are moving their models.
   
• Modern: Looking in the rules for the effect of firing APFSDS at a 43.7-degree angle from the front against a tank so up to date that the paints not even dry on the original. They’ll lock up when they’re done.